The Choice

Today I had a thought.

Maybe it was partly me. Maybe the relationships I no longer have had to do with me as well.

Honestly, I believe now that the ending had everything to do with me.

I often look at the part they played and blame them for our separation, but in truth, if I had never chosen the path I now walk, they'd still be in my life. And, in my opinion, they'd be leading me further and further away from my purpose.

So today, I am mature enough to see that it wasn't their choices that destroyed our relationships, it was mine. My one choice, and that was to follow Jesus Christ and strive to be and live more like Him every day.

The thing is, I didn't want to keep grieving Him with my lifestyle, so I chose to lose parts of me to find all of me in Him.

In the relationships I once entertained, some I intentionally walked away from, while most I simply let slip into the wind. I was going somewhere, and I understood then that not everyone could come with me. Not because I'm better than anyone else, but because not everyone is graced with the capacity to go where I'm called to. That goes for us all. We each receive grace to walk in step with God's purposes for our own lives, not His purposes for someone else's.

In short, I lost, but ultimately, I won.

I found me, the me who was hidden and suffocating under the distraction of a life that was leading me nowhere fast.

As you can imagine, I had to endure many misunderstandings about my intentions and my heart. But I knew that my Father in heaven had a plan, and I had to remain still in faith and obedient to His voice if I wanted to remain within that plan.

Many days and nights I cried, knowing that my actions were deeper than what the eye could see. Not knowing entirely where they'd lead, only experiencing where they had left me most times: alone.

If I don't know anything else, I know that God's purposes outweigh my own. His ways are not my ways. And even when it hurts, I am not forgotten, nor have I ever been. The same is true for you.

Life will throw you for a loop at times, and your obedience to God's voice may feel as though it's leading you nowhere at all. But from a woman who's been there, who's fresh out, trust God. He has NOT forgotten you. He sees your obedience, and though you may feel misunderstood at times, He understands. He did not bring you this far just to leave you.

I haven’t quite found my new tribe yet, but you know what I did find that’s far more valuable? I found a relationship that will outlast every other relationship, one in which I am loved perfectly, even when I don’t understand every expression of His love.

Prior to losing those relationships, I never would’ve imagined that one day I’d find myself happier and more at peace than I’d ever been. Yet somehow, that’s exactly what God has done.

Ephesians 3:17-19:

“And I pray that you, being rootedand established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”